im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Actions speak louder than pants.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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