we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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