Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
