i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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