Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
