I need help removing her.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
