Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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