I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
