thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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