Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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