i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You're a waste of cheezeits
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
