You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
