Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
