Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
