And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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