I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
