I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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