Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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