I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize