Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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