I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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