I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
