Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
