i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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