if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
