yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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