I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
