Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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