I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize