plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
