Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Randomize
