How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
