Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Randomize
