Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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