I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize