I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
