I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
