I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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