Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
