I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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