You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
