If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
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