Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize