i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
