omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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