she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
