um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I stole a fireplace last night.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
