I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Randomize