her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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