I CAN MOONWALK!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize