He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Drunk is a universal language darling
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