i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize