he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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