you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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