today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
