I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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