i was born a porn star she said
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize
