found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I supernannyed him into submission
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
